Deleting Data
by V. Tsai
Summary: A tele-surveyor calls the home of Kudou Shin'ichi. This call then proceeds to go wrong. Very wrong. Shin'ichi x Ran, veeery OOC, beware of the excessive caps. Now a series including Heiji x Kazuha. ***note: not actually funny***
1. Shinichi x Ran

**Warnings: EXTREMELY OOC, attempted humor that has the opposite effect, etc... It's ShinRan (kind of)... Oh, and features the return of my OC Yamamoto Arisa (from **_**Baby Talk**_**). Only... she's not a daycare worker anymore. And Shinichi doesn't know her. **

**Oh, and I have no idea regarding the actual policies of tele-surveying in Japan. So this is probably unrealistic. Not to mention I don't really know that much about tele-surveying in general. And is "tele-surveyor" even a term?**

* * *

Yamamoto Arisa leaned back in her chair, yawning widely as she glanced at the digital clock positioned on her cubicle wall. 5:44 p.m. She had roughly fifteen minutes until her (somewhat insane) boss would let her go for the day.

_Honestly, _Arisa sighed to herself as she ran her finger down the list of numbers and names displayed on her computer screen. _I always believed Kaa-san (1) whenever she said I'd go far. And yet here I am, working as a _tele-surveyor _for Murakami Juugo, some __crackpot__ who apparently thinks that people will actually care to answer questions about how many cats they think exist in the world and the number of pineapples a fish can eat in three hours._

_Let's see... Ah, it's this number. _

Arisa checked her headset and dialed the number. _Ring... ring... ring... _

"HELLO?! HELLO?! HELLO?!"

"GAH!" Arisa screeched (extremely unprofessionally) at the sound of a frantic male voice on the other end.

"WHO IS THIS?!" the same voice yelled. "JODIE-SENSEI? DO YOU HAVE NEWS ON THEM? WHAT ABOUT VERMOUTH? HAS SHE BEEN CAUGHT YET?"

_Do we really have asylums on our calling list? Or is this a wrong number?_

"A-Ah, is this... uh..." Arisa consulted the list. "...the residence of Kudou Shin'ichi-sama?"

"Kudou Shin - Oh." The voice calmed down, sounding pleasant and controlled. "Yeah, this is he. Who is this?"

_Hesistation regarding "his own" name. That just _fills_ me with confidence that he's actually Kudou Shin'ichi._

"Hi, Kudou-sama. My name is Yamamoto Arisa, and I'm a -"

"Are you a fangirl?"

"I'm - I'm sorry?"

"I said, are you a fangirl?"

"Of who?"

"Of me."

"Of you?"

"Yes, of me."

"...Um, no?" _God this guy is irritating. Who the hell does he think he is? Some famous high school detective or something? As if._

"Oh. Sorry, the 'sama' threw me off. Well, then, who are you?"

"As as I saying, my name is Yamamoto Arisa and I'm a representative of Murakami Juugo. Murakami-sama has a few questions he would like me to ask you regarding -"

"Are you freaking kidding me? The first call I get when my body's restored, Conan's no more, I've been living in my house for two weeks, and almost all of the Black Organization has been caught is from a tele-surveyor."

_"..._Kudou-sama?"

"No, I don't really want to answer your questi - _Ran, what are you doing here?!_"

_Huh? _Arisa's eyebrows wove together. "Kudou-sa -"

"WHERE HAVE YOU _BEEN, KUDOU SHIN'ICHI?!" _a loud female voice wailed in the background, effectively cutting off Arisa.

"Ran, listen -"

"It's been _ages _since I saw you! I was so worried, Shin'ichi, I really was!"

"I wanted to come back, Ran, but there was a - er - big case -"

"Don't give me that!"

The sound of a slap made Arisa wince and recall her place. "Ku - Kudou-sama, maybe you should hang up the pho -" she stammered, but was interrupted once more.

"Shin'ichi... I... I really missed you... and I've been waiting for so long to see you in person because I wanted to return your confession face-to-face..." And just like that, the mood had swapped from angry and murderous to sad and close to tears.

Arisa sucked in a breath, her hand hovering over the "terminate call" button, but she held back for a moment, slightly curious.

"Ran... I've missed you too, but there's something I have to tell you about C -"

"No, just... just wait a little, I want to return your confession before I miss my chance. Shin'ichi... I - I really like you a-as well!"

Feeling her face glow neon red, Arisa coughed. _Well this is certainly awkward for a single twenty-two year old female who uses "boku" (2) and hates romance novels so much she bonfired all of the ones she could find last summer at Izu Beach._

"Ran, you know I like you too, but you need to hear the truth. The truth about Conan and me. I - We're the same person."

Silence.

_Now, I have no idea who this "Conan" guy is, but this apparently is extremely serious. _Arisa took her hand away from the "terminate call" button and laced her fingers together, resting her face atop them. _This is seriously like a real-life drama._

The girl, apparently named Ran, let out a shaky laugh. "Ha, ha, Shin'ichi, that's... that's really funny..."

"I'm dead serious, Ran. I was poisoned by the men in black from the Mystery Coaster at Tropical Land that time and my body shrunk. I took on the alias of Edogawa Conan to protect everybody. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to be killed for having knowledge of my survival."

Silence.

"Oh yeah, that makes total sense, genius Kudou-meitantei (3). Because obviously Ran isn't smart enough to keep her mouth shut so nobody knows she 'has knowledge of your amazing and necessary survival.' No, Ran's too much of a loud mouth. She can't keep secrets. No chance anyone could ever even considering trusting her to keep one so important and life-threatening," Ran growled.

"I didn't mean it like th -" Kudou stuttered, but was suddenly silenced as Ran did apparently did something. "Ran, Ran, I know that you're a karate champion, you don't need to show me - lower your foot, Ran, it's in front of my face, Ran, didn't you just say that you like me?"

"WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME, KUDOU SHIN'ICHI!" Ran screamed, followed by a loud thwacking sound that made Arisa cringe, along with a cracking sound signifying that the phone had just gone flying, possibly into a wall.

She quickly disconnected the call and leaned back into her chair. _It's two past six, _she noted. _I'm technically done for the day_

_Well, even so..._

Arisa clicked around on her computer for a few moments, then smiled slightly as she erased Kudou Shinichi's phone number from the database.

Stretching, she pulled off the headset and shut down her computer, humming as she left the office building. _Might as well save someone else a bit of grief, right?_

* * *

(1) "Kaa-san" means "Mom" in Japanese

(2) "Boku" means "I" in Japanese, but it's usually only used by males. According to my Japanese textbook, if a woman/girl uses "boku" she is considered very boyish.

(3) "Meitantei" means "great/famous detective," so calling Shin'ichi "Kudou-meitantei" would be kind of like calling him "Super Awesome and Cool Detective Shin'ichi."

"Sama" is an extremely polite honorific that would maybe be used by a tele-surveyor or a fangirl when regarding a customer or the object of affection.

* * *

There's a possibility that this will be continued as a series of one-shots where Arisa witnesses other DCMK couples during serious moments over the phone, but the chance is slim.

Hope you liked it (even though I don't)! Thanks for reading! ~V. Tsai


	2. Heiji x Kazuha

**So while I was in the shower last night, I had this idea that I decided to write. It's another **_**Deleting Data **_**one-shot using Yamamoto Arisa once more. **

**Warnings: Same as first one, only everything's worse – even worse intended humor that probably nobody finds amusing, even more OOC-ness... **

**IF YOU HATE ALL CAPS TYPING YOU SHOULD PROBABLY LEAVE NOW AND FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE.**

**Anway, this one is HeiKazu.**

* * *

With a strained sigh, Yamamoto Arisa slid into her office chair, managing to simultaneously disentangle herself from her scarf and jacket while also raising a steaming Styrofoam cup halfway filled with black coffee to her lips. (Really, she was quite talented.)

_Honestly, maybe I should've signed up for the early shift... I hate working from one to nine thirty at night. _Arisa booted up her computer and clicked to the list of (unlucky) peoples' phone numbers. _Last time I worked – last week – I called that weird Kudou guy, and he's no longer in the database thanks to me, so next on the list is..."Hattori Shizuka"?_

Slipping her headset over her head, Arisa carefully dialed the number listed and waited, tapping her fingers idly as she opened the document containing the latest survey questions.

The person picked up on the second ring. "'ello?" a distinctly male voice, noticeably affected by Kansai-ben (1), answered.

"Hello, sir. May I speak to your... wife?" Arisa inquired, hoping she was correct with her guess about the person's relationship to Hattori Shizuka.

There was an awkward silence.

"W – God, Kudou, it's _you, _isn't it? You're usin' the stupid voice-changing bowtie, aren'tcha?!" the voice yelled. "Ha ha, real funny, Kudou! But Kazuha isn't over righ' now, aho (2)! Not ta mention that you _know _we're in a figh' righ' now!"

"Sir –" _Kudou? Do they know each other, this random guy and that weird guy from last time?_

"Seriously, you and Ran better stop tryin' to get Kazuha an' me together! She wouldn't – I mean, I would never date an aho like her!"

"Sir –" _Yeah, whoever this is definitely knows Kudou if he's mentioning Ran as well. God, why do I always get the weirdos?_

"Cut it out, Kudou! Jus' because you guys are all happy now tha' you got your body back doesn't mean ya have to try to 'spread your happiness' or something!"

"Sir –" _Okay, this guy is really starting to piss me off._

"SO JUST STOP, KUDOU! YOU _KNOW_ I GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH KAZUHA, AN' WE'RE NEVER TALKIN' AGAIN, SO GIVE U –"

"SIR!" Arisa screamed into her headset, covering her mouth when she realized how loud she was being.

"...Kudou?"

"However much you seem to want to believe that I'm Kudou Shin'ichi, you're going to have to accept that I'm not. My name is Yamamoto Arisa, and I'm a representative of Murakami Juugo. Currently I would like to survey Hattori Shizuka-sama if possible. I apologize for mistaking your relationship with her."

"...you're not Kudou?"

"No, I'm not Kudou."

Silence.

"Wait, then how'd you know I was talkin' about Kudou _Shin'ichi_?" the man's voice suddenly took on a suspicious note. "Are you _sure _you're not Kudou?"

"For the last time, NO, I'm not Kudou! I had an incident with Kudou Shin'ichi last week when I tried to survey him, and a person named Ran was involved, so I kind of assumed we were talking about the same Kudou."

"An incident?"

"Yeah, I'd prefer not to get into it, though. So may I _please _speak to Hattori Shizuka-sama?"

"Oh, oh. Sorry – Yamamura-han (3), is it? – but the old lady's out righ' now."

"It's Yamamoto, and thank you for your time then," Arisa corrected as she reached for the "terminate call" button.

"Wait, Yamamura-han, just wait! You're... you're a _girl, _right?" the man said urgently.

"Oh, no, actually, I'm a man," Arisa retorted sarcastically.

Silence.

"I'm very sorry, occhan (4), I didn't mean ta offend you. I can completely tell you're a man. Your voice is just a little feminine," the man said respectfully. "I'll be going, then."

_Are. You. Kidding. Me._

"I WAS JOKING, YOU IDIOT!" Arisa screeched, completely forgetting she was in a professional environment. "I AM A GIRL! AND MY NAME IS YAMA_MOTO_!"

"Oh! Then great, I really need ta talk ta a girl righ' now!" the voice brightened.

"Are you _that _desperate?" Arisa scoffed, still somewhat taken aback.

"No, no, not in tha' way, Yamamura-han! I need some advice!"

"Can't you just as that 'Kazuha' person you mentioned earlier?" _Hey, random guy, have you noticed I'm a _tele-surveyor _and not a therapist? Or that my name is Yama_moto _and not Yama_mura? _The answer to both very important and logical questions is no. No you haven't._

"No, 'cause I need advice on a figh' I had with her. I can't go ta Kudou 'cause he's also a guy so he prob'ly won't be much help, an' Ran-chan and my mom will jus' be like 'oh, poor Kazuha-chan! Go apologize 'cause it's your fault!' An' I don't know any other girls, so you hafta help me!"

"You don't even _know _who I am, what I look like, or how old I am. I don't even know your name."

"Who are you?"

"Uh... a tele-surveyor named Yamamoto Arisa?"

"What color is your hair?"

"Brown?"

"How old are you?"

"Twenty-two."

"Nice ta meetcha. Hattori Heiji. Now ya have ta help me, Yamamura-han!"

Arisa sighed loudly into her microphone, not bothering to correct whoever this Hattori Heiji person was. "What's the problem?" she asked dully.

"Well, what happened was tha' I was goin' ta meet Kazuha – she's this aho who's my childhood friend – at a café. But I got kinda sidetracked 'long the way because a body fell outta the sky and landed righ' at my feet –"

"Wait, what? _A body_?"

"Yeah. So I wanted ta solve the murder because it was so interestin' and all, I mean, sliced-up body missin' a head and a good chunk of leg flyin' outta nowhere with the blood spla –"

"Okay, now would be a good time to shut up and/or continue your story or I swear I _will _hang up the phone."

"Don't do that! So... then I solved the mystery – man, that murderer made good use of that pack of piña colada Jell-O and that toothpick, I never would've though' ta use the powder like that..."

"Hanging up in three... two..."

"Okay, okay, okay. So when I go' ta the café, Kazuha was waitin', but it was around five hours pas' the agreed time."

Arisa winced. _I'd never wait that long for a guy._

_...And _there's _the reason I'm twenty-two and single._

"So we got inta a figh'. I was tryin' ta make her understan' that the murder wa' really hard ta solve an' she should be real proud that I had solved it in as little as five hours, but she wouldn't listen... and she started... er..."

"Crying?" supplied Arisa.

"Yeah! And I didn't know what ta do, so I said, 'Kazuha, what's wrong with you, aho?' an' she said, 'You're so blind, Heiji! You are so damn dense!' and ran out of the café. I've been tryin' ta talk ta her, but she avoids me at school an' doesn't return my calls or texts."

_I kind of agree with Kazuha, _Arisa thought, grinning. _This Hattori person _is _pretty "damn dense."_ "How did you ask her out to the café, Hattori?"

"I think I said something like 'Do ya wanna go out with me to this café on Saturday', why?"

_It's official. I agree with Kazuha. Wholly._

"Tell me, Hattori, what exactly was she wearing?" Arisa spun around in her chair, silently bemoaning Hattori's idiocy.

Hattori coughed. "Um, min' tellin' me why you wanna know?"

"Well, what was it?"

"It was a... pink dress? With... straps? And ruffly stuff... Come ta think of it, her hair... was down... Usually... it's up... in a ponytail..." remembered Hattori, his words slowing as realization hit.

"So do you understand why she was so pissed?"

"She thought... she thought it was a... Yeah. Yeah, I do. Thanks, Yamamura-han."

"Yamamoto."

"Right, Yamamura. So I guess I should go apologize n – Kazuha! I'm so glad you're here! I have ta... uh... tell ya somethin'!" Hattori's voice suddenly went slightly higher, and the blush was evident even in his tone.

"Did she just walk in?" Arisa questioned in a low voice. "Go for it."

"Yeah, I'll hang –" he started to answer in an equally low tone, but suddenly a female voice interrupted.

"H-Heiji? Who're ya talkin' ta?"

"Oh, it's just some... er... tele-surveyor?" Arisa heard Heiji stammer.

"Really?" The girl, Kazuha (Arisa assumed), said, sounding quite disbelieving. There was a strange gasping noise and Arisa frowned in confusion.

"Oi! Kazuha, give me back the phone!" Hattori rasped a second later.

"WHO IS THIS?!" Kazuha shrieked into the phone.

Surprised, Arisa managed a, "I'm – er –"

"I KNEW IT! HEIJI, WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO A GIRL! AND JUS' WHEN I CAME HERE TA APOLOGIZE TA YA, AHO!"

"Wh – WHO ARE YA CALLIN' AN AHO?!" Heiji reciprocated.

"YOU! I'M CALLIN' _YOU _AN AHO, AHO!"

"NO WAY _YOU _OF ALL PEOPLE HAS THE RIGHT TO CALL _ME _AN AHO, AHO!"

_Wow. All of my counseling and me listening to him for nearly twenty minutes and this is the result. Well, I'm out of here. _Arisa tapped the "terminate call" button, exhaling harshly as she deleted Hattori Shizuka's number from the database.

_Just in case Hattori Heiji ever decides to pick up the phone again._

* * *

(1) Kansai-ben is a dialect from the Osakan area of Japan.

(2) "Aho" is the Kansai-ben version of what would be "baka" in standard Japanese. Both would mean "idiot" in English.

(3) "-han" is the Kansai-ben equivalent of "-san," both of which translate to "Mr./Mrs." in English.

(4) "Occhan" is a casual and friendly version of "oji-san," which is a polite way to refer to a middle-aged man. People from Osaka or speakers of Kansai-ben tend to be less formal and polite in their speech than, for example, Tokyoites, so "occhan" is exchanged for "oji-san."

* Unsure about (4) *

* * *

So... I continued it. And screwed up Hattori's accent. Badly.

This time, I tried to make it funnier, but then when I read it over I think I tried too hard to make it funny and now it's extremely un-funny. T^T Story of my life.

Oh~! I forgot to put this into the A/N at the end of the ShinRan drabble. If you get what the title, "Deleting Data," is referencing (hint: it's related to a character inspired one single aspect of Arisa's character), you are extremely awesome.

Thanks for reading! Till next time! ~V. Tsai


End file.
